scuffed and simple...and finished

I picked up the master copy of my record tonight. It only needs to be sent to the duplication company and then it is ready. Really ready, like buy it on ITunes, buy it on the website ready. And I am driving around tonight at 10:30 in my car listening, and yes, hearing all the little things that no one else will probably notice and remembering every "thing" behind the sounds, song, etc. And then I realized that the little disc in my CD player is a dream I actually got to experience come true. And in that moment, I just stopped listening and said a grateful prayer that I got to do this project, and said a prayer of thanks for the person that helped my dream come true.

Give it Away

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it’s in your power to help them" Proverbs 3:27 (NLT)

I saw this verse today as I drove down the road. What a thought. A few things came to mind, I thought about times I am given an opportunity to give, and I don't. Maybe it is because of fear (lack of resources, that they will ask me again and I won't have it, etc), or self-righteousness (that person is in the shape they are in because of the choices they have made, blah, blah, blah).

But giving is my call as a human being and as a Christian. To love, to sacrifice, to expend myself to everyone. I guess I can't even make the judgment call on who deserves it, I just have to give, especially when I hold what they need in my hands.

My prayer is that I will learn to just give and give and give, even when I don't have much in the way of resources, and even when I feel alone, and empty, that I will have the strength to keep giving, and giving, and giving.

In their shoes

Haiti. wow. What can you really say?

I am watching the news and seeing the photos and it reminds me of 9/11. After a while, we were numb to the video and photos. "there goes the building collapse again, there is another shot of blood and tears and fear".

It is easy to get that way again. But all that we are viewing represents real flesh and blood; mommas, daddies, wives, husbands, orphans, widows, and they have lost so much. It is mind blowing. It can ALL be gone in a flash. It is NOT up to us. I am sitting in a Panera bread right now, typing this, and I looked up a moment ago and thought, wow, someone was sitting at a table in Haiti and the ceiling fell on them, no warning, nothing.

Life is short, people. Give this week to a relief organization, instead of an extra glass of wine, a magazine or something else. Say a prayer for the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. It is full of precious lives that have been rocked to the core. Be kind to your neighbor, and your neighbor's dog (or cat).

And remember, other than the grace of God, this could be us. How does that one thought color your next word or deed?

Technology...ugh

My 5 year old Dell (yep, I am so "with it") crashed Friday. I was devastated. It was time anyway, so now I am typing on a new HP 14 inch laptop. I have a ways to go to get it organized.
Technology is amazing, I posted on my twitter this week for North Dakota and Vermont to give me some love because they are the only 2 states where I have not gotten hits on my website, and BAM, I get tweets from those states. But technology is hard work just like everything else, you constantly have to adapt, change, and relearn. So, really nothing is all that easy. No matter how much "technology" we have. So, $1100 later, I have a new, protected laptop with a hard drive to backup files and a 3 year service plan in case I drop it or spill coffee on it.

....I miss a notepad, stamps and a walkman.

Deep Thoughts by Tiffany Johnson :)

I am very lighthearted at the moment and I realized it is time for a bloggie-blog. A couple of things to to talk about and then I am off to bed.

1. GO SEE "THE BLIND SIDE". Now. In the theater. GO. GO. GO. Not only is the story incredible, and TRUE. The acting is too. And it leaves you inspired, and ready to put yourself out there in an "inconvenient" way, which is usually the best thing that could happen to any one of us.

2. What is up with men that are with their families, wives, etc. all googly eyed over other women? I am far from the supermodel, but I got that look tonight as he was in tow behind his wife and two kids. And I watch men looking at other women too. Listen, I know you're not dead, but you're also supposedly committed and in love. So, respect your partner enough to AT LEAST be subtle and don't say someone's HOT in front of your lady either. NOT GOOD. It makes me sad.

3. I recut drums for my CD yesterday with Dan Needham. He wins the "Mr. Congeniality" Award for my CD project. Not only is he A-FREAKIN-MAZING, but he is a crackup. I laughed so hard my head hurt when I left, but I left with some kicka&s drums. :)

Happy FULL WEEK OF THE NEW YEAR!

Happy Birthday Daddy.

A note to you:
This is very close to my heart. As you will read, my Dad is no longer here on earth for me to have a relationship with. Fathers, cherish your daughters. They are your princesses and they deserve nothing less, even if they have made mistakes (who hasn't?). Daughters, forgive your fathers for things that warrant true forgiveness and acceptance of a relationship and mend it. Time is a gift we cannot get back.




In 2002 my Dad died. We had an often turbulent relationship, and the last year of his life we did not speak. I spent a lot of time fearing him, dreading to see him and then distancing myself from him. He could be a beautiful person, he was blond and tall and had the most amazing personality and I can remember being little and just worshipping him.

But sometimes, he wasn't beautiful. He could be cruel, and critical; often making me feel like the smallest person in the world. He had a unique way of stomping all over my dreams, squashing my creativity and verbally tearing me to pieces.

Maybe he thought he was being practical, but an artistic little girl needed nurturing and affirmation. She needed to know the THE man in her life thought she was beautiful and marvelous.

So, for most of the moments in my life, he wasn't there. He was a shadow in my life and sometimes, the sun would briefly shine through. I got weary of having that shadow cast on me and went for months without calling him. He never called me anyway, and more time just passed.

And then he was gone. He died January 17, 2002. I didn't fully accept it until several years ago. And then I grieved, I remembered what he smelled like, Coast soap and dirt and sweat...my truck smells like him. I remembered memories; hunting, riding in the pickup, watching Westerns on Sunday. I found a letter from him he sent to me in college, telling me he was proud of me and in so many words, apologizing for not being much of a parent.

If I could have 5 minutes with him, I would make him sing the song to me he made up about us. I cannot remember the words, I wish I could. I would drink a cup of coffee with him, he loved coffee and it seemed that his cup was never empty. I would make him tell me stories about being a little boy and about his horses and cows.

I would look at him and understand that he was just so screwed up, he couldn't help it if he didn't know how to love me.

I would ask if he thought I was beautiful, and hope he said yes, because all little girls need that from their Daddy.

I would extend grace and forgiveness to him for not being there for me. I would ask him to do the same for me.

I have a picture of him as a young man. He was beautiful and flawed, misunderstood and charismatic, and lonely. And he was my Dad

And I love him, just as he was.

Christmas Time is Here

I used to wonder why people loved to talk about the past so much. You know how a bunch of old people like to get together and tell stories about when they were young? As I get older, I understand why. Memories, specifically the good ones, have a way of making us feel alive again and whole. They comfort and remind us of a different time, often a better time. Christmas is such a special time of year and for many, it can be very lonely. Christmas memories can be joyful and bittersweet. I was so fortunate to have MANY wonderful Christmases, and hopefully more to come. I want to share a few memories with you.

Christmas Eve was always a time with my Daddy. He was a beautiful man, tall with blond hair, a beautiful smile and green eyes. He always drove a Ford pickup truck, and he would come get me and take me to Grandma Millies. There was always a ton of amazing food, and chocolate eclair cake (that was my favorite!). I felt SO special in that big pickup truck, driving back home to Momma's, looking up through the windshield for a glimpse of Rudolph.

In second grade, I got Mikey the cocker spaniel for Christmas. I walked out of my bedroom and his sweet little head popped up out of the box! The first pictures Momma took of us, I am just hugging him and crying. He was the prettiest puppy in the world! I was SO surprised and OVER THE MOON! What could be better than a puppy for Christmas?

The most precious Christmas gift I received was from my Momma while I was in college. She spent several months making me a beautiful quilt. She had embroidered several quotes and Bible verses on it, and it is a beautiful pattern of hearts. I keep it packed up now, but I just remember opening the gift and being floored at the time, talent, love and effort she had put into that beautiful quilt for me.

The last few years I have spent my Christmas Eve at The Church at Hopepark participating in their Christmas Eve services. It has always been special to share that time with people you love and new people you grow to love, using your gifts for a greater good. There is nothing like it, sharing that time to worship together and celebrate the birth of Christ. I always left those services knowing I had a long drive home ahead, but the feeling of love and community made it an easy drive.

So, Christmas time is here. Make some memories. You might need them one day, to share with others you love, or to remind you that are loved. Merry Christmas.